Dating Advice from Your 30 Year Old Friend from New Jersey

Okay... so I've been in a relationship for almost 4 years and it's been going really really well... but there are things I wished I'd known before I started online dating and I've always wanted to write a dating advice blog... so yeah. I kind of wish I had my older self to tell my younger self IT'S NOT YOU IT'S THEM! NEVER SETTLE FOR ANYTHING AND YOU DON'T OWE ANYONE ANYTHING! Because... yeah sometimes you need someone to say those things to you.

1) Don't be afraid of online dating

Okay so for a while... I said I wouldn't do online dating... I just wanted to meet someone cute in a bar that I liked and they would ask for my number and then we would fall in love and get married or something... and that's so very nice but also... that's not for me either. I didn't go to bars often at the time, no cute guys approached me- nor did I approach them... and the one time there was an actual cute guy that I liked that asked for my number... it was at a weird time when my friend had been grabbed at a bar and we had to all tell the guy off - and this was later in the night when we went to another bar... so I was in a weird mood already and the guy asked for my number and I just couldn't do it even though he was cute and I liked him. So that's when I kind of knew... that wasn't the way I had to talk to people. I had to try a dating app... which is my next piece of advice.

2) Not all dating apps are the same- find one that works for you

Okay so I started out on Bumble... which is a great site. I love the idea of giving the women the power. It's really easy to use, a lot of people are on it... but it didn't work for me. At the time there weren't actually that many people on it- and it seemed to be an app guys maybe kind of didn't update the most. Also I don't like talking to guys first. I'm just going to say it right out. I like it when guys make the first move! I'm shy, I didn't know what to talk about, I couldn't say a lot on my bio... and I just didn't make any real connections on bumble. I did see an INSANELY HOT GUY on bumble that matched with me and I was too nervous to talk to him... and he was actually a jerk when I did. It was nice to look at his picture though hahaha!

When I went to OK Cupid... everything was totally different! I could write A LOT in my profile- I had a lot of matches of guys that were actually interesting! It was really really good. The guys lived closer too- which was a plus... I think a lot of my Bumble matches were from New York. Some things I liked on my profile: I mentioned what the last thing I watched was (that was what my boyfriend and I first talked about) I had a picture of my dog (the second thing my boyfriend and I talked about) and I included my Harry Potter house (Ravenclaw, but I used to be Slytherin at the time).

3) Don't let guys talk you into talking to them first

My BIGGEST dating profile pet peeve was when guys on OK Cupid would say "I don't pay for the premium service so message me first." DON'T FALL FOR THIS BULLSHIT! 1) Do you pay for premium? No? Then why do you have to be the one that messages first???? 2) It shows you if you both match- so really if you both like each other- message the person and the conversation can follow. 3) It just instantly makes the guy sound cheap and lazy so... just no. Honestly if I'd thought about it- I could have put "No pressure, but I like when guys message me first" on my profile. But then that might be something people don't like either- so who knows!

4) You Don't Owe Anyone Anything

Here's where I'm going to shout "IT'S NOT YOU IT'S HIM!!!!" To you because... there was one time- I was not interested in this one guy in the least. I knew I wasn't going to go on a second date with the guy... but I had kept talking to him for a while and I felt bad about it and I felt like I owed him something... and I went out with the guy. And it wasn't a terrible date- but there were some things he said where I was like "yeah I definitely don't like this guy." Like we ate at Cheesecake Factory and our table was pretty close to the next table and he told a story about how he had a dream about a woman ordering viagra...which is weird. I think he sold medications at his job but... weird first date story and weird story to tell loudly with other diners nearby... He also mentioned something about getting fired from a retail type of job because he told a customer they should bag their own things if they want to get out faster... That's rude.

And then after I told him I wasn't interested in a second date because I met someone else... he said something totally inappropriate and disgusting... So I took a screenshot- laughed about it with my friends and then blocked him on everything.

So that was a long story and you didn't need all of the details- but immediately after blocking him I thought "you know... I didn't owe him a date just because I'd been talking to him for a while on OK Cupid... I don't think anyone should go on a date with someone they aren't interested in because they feel like they owe it to the person!" So yeah... that's why I say things like that. If there's one little thing a guy says or does that rubs you the wrong way and you don't like him that much to begin with... just stop.

5) Ghosting Someone Doesn't Make You A Bad Person

Alright- so this is another thing I didn't like about guys... when they kind of shamed girls for ghosting people or saying "I won't ghost you." You're just TALKING to someone online- you don't need to commit to even continue a conversation if it just isn't going anywhere. The easier thing to do is just let the convo die- and then slowly and silently delete the person from your matches. It's kind, it's easy and overall- I just don't think it makes you a bad person.

So that's my advice for dating and more specifically online dating. I've been in a relationship for about 4 years- so it's been a while sine I've done any of this... but those are my tips and my experience. And I hope it can help someone!

Bye!

-Shannon